Friday, October 24, 2008

Mother's instincts

I was right. I just knew our little baby was a boy.

My GP phoned last night to let me know the results of the genetic tests. Our tiny little angel babe is a boy, and he was perfect. Nothing wrong.

It was the blood clot that claimed his life and took him from us.

I will give him a name shortly, I have one name in mind but I want to do a little bit of searching before I decide.

It's harder to cope, knowing what sex our baby is. But at the same time, it is a great comfort. I can name him and honour him, even though I miss him and love him and want him back.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Today is probably the best day I've had in the last couple of weeks. I actually woke up feeling good and Andrew commented on how happy I looked :) I believe it's the excitement about leaving the farm and taking a holiday.

I don't even want to think about trying to conceive again, the thought of ovulation prediction strips, temperature recording and obsessing over symptoms just makes me want to scream. I don't even have my sex drive back yet, much to Andrew's dismay - but he totally understands why.

Maybe when we're gone and on holidays and I'm feeling more relaxed, maybe then some of the romance will come back. There's just too much to contemplate between now and then.

Things are really gaining speed though, I've got removalists giving me quotes and I'm getting our visit to the day spa organised, but there's also a crapload of stuff to do in the next two days before my visitors arrive for two nights' stay.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

What was I saying about turning a corner?

I was feeling okay this morning, that is until I went into town to do some shopping. Who did I see in Safeway but my neighbour Kelly, looking oh-so-maternal at 27 weeks.

Out of politeness I stopped to say hello, only because I thought she'd seen me, otherwise I would have ducked for cover. There was this awkwardness between us that was never there before, I think Kelly feels uneasy because she has an obviously pregnant belly and I don't.

I fucking hate this, I'm so angry at.. well, at whoever thinks I'm not fit enough to be a mother and keeps stripping me of every opportunity. When will they just fuck off and leave me alone?

Bitterness and pregnancy envy, two very ugly emotions... I really do wish I didn't feel this way, it seems to consume me at times.

Turning a corner

The last 10 or so days have been very difficult. I've had some really black moments and broken down completely, I've even told Andrew that I didn't want to live anymore because I just don't want to deal with the memories and the pain.

But as time draws nearer to our departure from the farm I'm feeling a bit more hopeful. Not hopeful about babies in particular, I'm certainly not confident about my ability to endure another pregnancy, should it fail again. Hopeful isn't really the right word, I'm probably more excited about leaving and having a kick-arse holiday.

We have about 22 days until we drive away from the farm forever, I just feel like I'm escaping a place that contains so many bad memories and so much pain. Getting away and having a relaxing holiday is going to be so good for me physically, spiritually and emotionally. I can't wait to breathe the air of the outback and wrestle crocodiles... or not.

I'm going to let this blog go for a while, there's not really much more I can post about at the moment. I might come back and update after my appointment on October 22nd just to let you all know how the procedure went (having a polyp removed from my cervix).

So for now, my travel blog is all I will be posting on, if you're inclined to read come and see what we're up to

Friday, October 10, 2008

Oh crap :(

I just realised that today was meant to be a happy day, we would have been going to our 12 week ultrasound. Instead, I'm sitting here with a heavy heart and only just remembering that I forgot to cancel the appointment :-(

Thursday, October 9, 2008

A talk with mum *preg mentioned*

My mum phoned today, she is coming down on October 28th to help me pack as much as possible before we have to move.

During our conversation she told me about my aunt's neighbour's daughter who is about 25 years old and as fertile as they come. She has FIVE children and cannot look after any of them because she has been suffering some mental health issues and has spent some time in the psych hospital.

So this girl (I can't call her a woman - it doesn't befit her) has just in the last week confided in my aunt that she is three months pregnant (oh fuck... I just realised that she will be due around mid-late April... that's when Baby J would have been due...) and she is too scared to tell her mother.

It is this girl's mother (and father) who have ended up with legal custody and caring for these children because the girl cannot care for them.

After listening to my mother tell this story, I felt really upset. And I thought, well if I'm going to have a talk with Mum, now is the time. So without telling her about my last two miscarriages, I said to Mum that I find it really hard to hear about these women who have absolutely no trouble breeding on, and could she please not tell me anymore. I proceeded to tell her about the situation with Leanne back in 2004 and how much it hurts me every time I remember.

I started crying and then SHE started crying because she had upset me :'-( it was a difficult conversation to have without giving away anything, but I just told her that it's best not to tell me about anymore babies or pregnancies because we have been going through our own personal hell. Mum asked if we'd ever adopt, to which I said no, I just don't have the strength to go through the process of trying to adopt a child from overseas. Then she asked if we needed IVF and I had to say no, that won't help our situation either (didn't tell her that we've already seen two fertility specialists).

So then I got the "maybe once you've sold the cows and left the farm, had a nice holiday and you are RELAXED..." talk. Very calmly I said to Mum, there is no truth in the Relaxed Holiday Theory, it is a total myth.

And after apologising to me for upsetting me, we changed the topic and never mentioned babies again. But I can bet you $20 that as soon as she hung up the phone she burst into tears and had to phone someone because she has upset me. And then she will have told them that Belinda and Andrew are having problems trying to have a baby, and the old gossip mill will start churning again.

Maybe that's not a bad thing? Maybe it's easier for people to know that we're having trouble with starting a family, maybe they will at least be aware of it and not ask any questions.

Monday, October 6, 2008


Saw my Dr a short time ago, he said that there was still alot of contents in my uterus when he did the D&C. I was shocked to hear that, considering how much I'd been bleeding in the weeks leading up and then how much I lost during the miscarriage. But as awful as it was, I'm glad the procedure was done, now my body can heal and recover. It will take much longer for my head and heart to get through this though.


Just received a phone call from my neurologist regarding my daily use of aspirin. My latest pregnancy loss and its complications have been brought to Dr T's attention, and he has considered my case history and doesn't believe that the aspirin has any use for me anymore. I was initially told that aspirin could in fact save a pregnancy but it's obvious now that in my case the aspirin has had no bearing on the outcome.

He will review my history again and get in contact with me in the next couple of weeks when he has decided whether I can stay off the aspirin for good or whether I need to be on it. But for now, no more aspirin.
Still trying to process and make sense of everything. Just can't fathom why it keeps happening, what stone hasn't been turned over yet, what are we missing?

I received something in the post this morning from Cytogenetic Services, it was a letter and a Medicare assignment form that I needed to sign so that chromosome testing can be done on our little baby. The wording of the letter was so clinical and cold:

"Dear Patient

Your doctor recently sent a specimen to this laboratory for testing and has asked that we bulk bill the charge for this test directly to Medicare."


My baby is not a fucking specimen, it is a BABY. OUR BABY. It was an amazing little life force who was cruelly ripped away from us. Not a specimen.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Over and over and over

I have realised this morning that I am actually living my very own Groundhog Day. Yay me. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate everything about my life. I especially hate the farm, I wish it would burn and take all the horrible memories with it. I am feeling so angry and irrational right now that I'm not making much sense really.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Fucking bitch

Every time I think about this incident it makes me furious, even more furious after I've just had another miscarriage.

Around March 2004 I had just been diagnosed with PCOS, it suddenly made sense of all the unpleasant symptoms I'd been suffering for years. But it also made me realise that I potentially had problems in the future when I wanted to start a family. I was single at the time, felt very negative about the possibility of ever meeting and settling down with anyone.

At this time I was trying to make a living as a consultant for The Body Shop which involved conducting parties in people's homes so that they could have a good time, play with the products and hopefully spend some money. My ex-BF's mother Sandra offered to host a party at her house and she invited along lots of female relatives and friends.

One of those relatives was her younger sister Leanne, I've known Leanne for years to be friendly and kind, the type of woman who would do anything for people. I always liked Leanne and got along well with her.

After I'd conducted the party and people had placed their product orders, everyone dispersed to have some lunch and drinks, and I was sitting there holding Sandra's first grandchild who was about 3 months old. Along came Leanne to have a chat to me, saying how natural I looked holding a baby, which I took as a nice compliment.

And then...

To my absolute horror, right in front of all the women in the room, Leanne started RANTING about the fact that I was single and at the top of her voice she started saying shit like

"So when are you going to settle down and have kids yourself Belinda???"

WTF? Bit hard to do that when I am SINGLE you dumb twit.

The worst part came next. Leanne got in my face and with one arm gesticulating in a clockwise motion, fingers snapping to represent the numbers 1-12 on a clockface, she then said to me:


* snapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnapsnap *

Well fuck me. Thank you for pointing that out Leanne, I actually had no idea. I'm so grateful you were able to bring it to my attention in front of all those women.

That incident has burned itself into my memory, it's like a red hot poker that comes out just for special occasions, such as when I've suffered a miscarriage.

Fucking SMUG fertile bitch, she has no idea how much that day has impacted on my life and my feelings of being pathetic, unworthy and incompetent as a woman.

I want to confront her about it, I want to tell her exactly how she has hurt me and how the pain I go through is doubled whenever I remember what she did to me that day. I know that I shouldn't give her the power to hurt me, but I think I deserve an apology, I want her to admit her mistake and I want her to say she is sorry. So when I go to Sydney, I think I will be making a housecall and finally confronting her about it. It's the only way I can find closure.
D&C over and done, had a cry just before they knocked me out for the procedure :-(

Woke up in a fair amount of pain, the morphine made me feel ill. I was bleeding a fair bit after surgery, so I can only guess that the surgeon (my GP) removed the polyp on my cervix after cleaning out my uterus. Seeing him on Monday so I will know more then.

Having the D&C was like the final nail in the coffin, it symbolised that the pregnancy was definitely over, the last fragments of my baby's existence were gone.

I feel as miserable as shit today, it hurts to think about babies, it hurts knowing that I am edging closer to my 34th birthday without a baby growing in my belly.

In just 11 days it will be Andrew's & my 3rd wedding anniversary. I doubt that either of us will feel like there is much to celebrate.

We have just five weeks left on the farm before we have sold up, packed up and moved out. At least there is alot to do before then, it will be a welcome distraction from the pain of our most recent loss.

Thursday, October 2, 2008


D&C is booked, I went to the hospital for pre-admission paperwork. On my way in I saw Sharon, the nurse who was on duty in the morning when I was in hospital two days ago. I had a quick chat with her and got hugs again, she is so lovely, she had spent time with me and cried and hugged me. I love that side of people, they want to open their hearts and show me that they care, even though they don't know me.

I had a blood test late this afternoon because my Dr is concerned that I may be anaemic. So if I'm "lucky" I'll probably get a shot of iron in my bum at some stage. Shame they won't do it while I'm zonked out on the anaesthetic :(

I'm still passing little bits of placenta, the cramps come and go, so I think I've made the right decision.
Waiting on a call back from my Dr's clinic, I have decided to go through with the D&C tomorrow. My Dr told me last night that if I wanted it, just to call and let him know, it wouldn't be a problem to slot me in somewhere. And now I'm informed that he isn't in the office and nobody is sure where he is so may be uncontactable, which means that I may not be able to have the D&C anyway. How irritating, the Dr tells me one thing and his staff tell me another. I just want this over and done with. I'm scared that there may be little bits of placenta left and I will get an infection. I should have decided this last night, not left it til today.

Thank you

To our little babe,

Thank you for being a part of our lives, even if it was for a few weeks. We love you and wish you could be with us forever but sadly it wasn't meant to be. I will always cherish the memories of your clever acrobatics on the ultrasound, it gave me such reassurance to know that you were still there, alive and healthy. I'm just so sorry that the blood clot claimed your tiny body before you even had a chance.

In a few weeks we will know if you are our son or daughter, I have a feeling you are a boy but there's a chance that I am wrong! It doesn't matter, but it will help us to choose a special name to acknowledge your life. We will also find out some things about you that may help us in the future when we are ready to become parents again. So, thank you for helping us to find the answers that we may need, I am sorry that we sent you off to a lab, I would have brought you home and given you a special resting place. But I am sure that the people at the lab will take the utmost care of you, just as the nurses at the hospital had done.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

It's all just too hard, I don't know how much longer I can cope.

It's not completely over :-(

I was sure everything had passed when I miscarried two nights back. But late this afternoon I started getting pain low down across my back and into my pelvis. I felt something pass, assuming it was another blood clot, but it was in fact part of the placenta :-(

So I contacted the hospital and was told to come in, the Dr examined me by ultrasound and said that there may be a little bit left but it didn't appear to be much. As I lay there on the bed and he looked at the screen, I secretly hoped that he would find another little heartbeat in there, but I knew there was nothing, I just don't want to believe that it really is all over. For most of today I have been in denial because I am not ready to accept the fact that I have lost four babies.

It's my choice whether to have a D&C or wait it out now. I'm going to see what tomorrow brings, if things haven't improved I'll call the hospital and let them know and they will admit me on Friday morning for the procedure.
I'm glad we are leaving the farm, I don't want to be here anymore. Too many sad (and bad) memories. I have had the worst time with my health ever since moving to Victoria, I mean, I was in the state less than 48hrs before I suffered a stroke. Then my menstrual cycles went to shit and it has been a fucking hard road with my fertility. I've battled terrible bouts of depression because of it all. I feel like I am cursed for coming here.

We are selling up all our cattle and other assets and taking a long, much deserved holiday. A good friend of ours arrives from the UK on November 7 so we will be all packed up and gone by the 6th, stay the night in Melbourne and meet Darren at the airport, then head off somewhere for a couple of days break.

Then we will probably drive up to Sydney, spend some time catching up with friends and family, stay a few days in the Blue Mountains, then drop my car off at my parents' place. We are considering flying over to WA, hiring a motorhome and travelling around for a few weeks. Then when Darren heads back to the UK we hope to get the same flight or one just after him and spend a few weeks with Andrew's grandparents. Andrew can't wait to show me around his old haunts and favourite places. He talks so much about "back home", it is 10 years since he said goodbye to all his friends and family, it will be great for Andrew to see them again.
So much anguish, can't stop crying, can't stop thinking about my precious little baby curled up in my hand, such a fragile little soul taken from me far too soon.

What I can't comprehend is that I saw my baby being so active on the ultrasound that day, then no more than 10 hours later there was no warning, it was expelled from my body with such force that the umbilical cord broke.

It's hard enough dealing with the emotions and memories, but the tenderness of my breasts and the cramps in my tummy are cruel reminders of what I no longer have. The ache in my heart is unbearable, someone please tell me how to make the pain go away.