Thursday, April 24, 2008

Did another pee test this morning because I-just-don't-believe-it. It came up with two lines, albeit veeerrryy slowly, I was starting to freak out.

Saw my GP and she is absolutely thrilled for me, in fact she is the one who had written my referral to the fertility specialist. She took about 3 vials of blood (I couldn't look, just in case the sight of all that blood made me woozy) and checked my blood pressure which was fine.

I have a referral for an ultrasound next week, I have to get more blood tests on 24th May and I have to see my GP again on the 22nd.

I'm trying to stay as calm and positive as possible, but every time I feel a slight twinge or a strange sensation I start to worry and end up in the bathroom to check that there's no bleeding. I think that will be a habit over the coming months until I know that my baby is in a safety zone that, if it had to be delivered prematurely, it had a very good chance of surviving.

My baby.

Sounds strange to say it, hopefully I will get used to it in no time!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I dunno how it happened!

After buying 50 OPK's off the internet only four days ago.
After resorting to consulting with a fertility specialist only a week ago.
After seriously facing the idea of having to go through IVF.
After more than two and a half years of heartache, triumph and failure, grief and hopelessness.
After giving up the notion of a family at one stage because it was all too much to bear.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Come on little pee sticks!

Received a confirmation email today, my OPK order has been received! I hope it arrives by the end of the week, I get the feeling that AF is just around the corner. However, I have no idea when to start using the OPK's but I suppose I just have to do the boring bit first and read the instructions.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Bit the bullet

Perhaps I should have done this alot earlier.

I bought a box of ovulation tests from Fertility Naturopath for $39.95 plus $6.95 delivery, so that works out at 94c per test.

I am desperate to avoid surgery and IVF so I'm giving these little buggers a go, despite the fact that they are apparently unsuitable for me because I have PCOS. But some fellow PCOS friends have informed me that they have been able to use ovulation tests without a problem.

I feel so sad today. Even sadder after seeing two well-rounded pregnant tummies during my grocery shopping trip this afternoon. I feel really depressed when I think that I may be childless for the rest of my life. Sometimes I believe that life would not be worth living if I couldn't have children. That is an awful thing to think, but that is what I believe. I can't think of any other real reason for me to be on this earth.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

This morning I made an appt to see gyno Dr B on 7th May so that's only 3ish weeks away, pretty short wait!


I called the gyno's office again and spoke to the clinic nurse to find out how soon I might be able to get in for surgery. Obviously I only have a small window of opportunity each cycle and the Lap/HSG needs to be done before CD14 (just in case I happen to have conceived and the embryo is making its way down to the uterus).

By my calculations, this "window" should be available toward the end of May. So I am hoping beyond all hope that there is a spot available for me.

From June onward, the hospital will have a new policy on waiting lists and I could wait anything from 3-6 months. Excuse me, I just shit my pants. No, I didn't... but that's how I feel.

I simply cannot wait that long. CANNOT.

I will lie through my teeth if I have to, just to get squeezed in for surgery in May. Sounds incredibly selfish and I feel uncomfortable about lying to my Dr but I've waited so long now, I don't think I could bear another 3-6 months. It fills me with despair to know that I may have to.

Monday, April 14, 2008


I have to have a Lap/HSG as soon as possible, so will be calling my gyno tmrw to book the surgery (and a pre-surgery appointment most likely). Apparently the waiting list in my FS's town is so long, we'd be looking at about 6-12 months!! If I can get it done at the hospital in my gyno's town, the wait might only be 4-8 weeks.

I have to start taking my daily aspirin again. PRONTO. I am a bad bad girl for stopping it apparently. There will be times that I will have to stop but for now I keep taking it until told otherwise.

Dr D was nice, I felt comfortable with him but I was so anxious before the appointment that DH later commented on the fact that I was trembling in the waiting room. Trembling? Quaking more likely. I couldn't even hold a magazine open without the pages jumping around. My face and ears were bright red and my chest was all blotchy because I was so stressed out and nervous.

And as long as the results of the Lap are okay (as in, no blockages, no endo etc) then our first line of attack will be IUI or intra uterine insemination.

Today is the day...

I meet my FS for the first time this afternoon. I am looking forward to it, but so so anxious at the same time. I don't know what to expect, I'm guessing that he will ask me alot of questions about my medical history and I've already got a head start on that by typing up a "timeline of fertility". That way I can't forget anything and if he wants to have a copy to save time and questioning then I'm happy to give it to him. I suppose there are a few things I haven't been tested for yet that I will most likely get a referral for.

Today is also the day that my buddy Kell has her 6wk ultrasound, she and her partner J have conceived through a last ditch attempt at IVF. Kell, I haven't stopped thinking of you all morning, from the moment I woke up and realised today is Monday, you have been in my thoughts.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Baby Envy

I think most infertile women know what I'm on about.

I can't bear to look away from women with pregnant bellies or babies in prams, but it hurts so much too see them at the same time.

I feel so disgusted that some young girls fall pregnant so easily when they don't have a supportive partner or the income required to support the baby's needs.

When is our government going to start helping out infertile couples more instead of throwing money at young kids who think babies are just the latest must-have accessory?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Long time no see

Wow... it has been ages since I last posted....

Not much has changed since then. I'm still not pregnant, still no closer to my dream.

Actually, I gave up the notion for a while, it was all just too much to bear. I have been through absolute personal hell these last few months. I never stop grieving for my babies. In fact, one of them would have had her 1st birthday last month. The other one would be turning 1 in two weeks' time if she'd survived.

I am booked in to see a FS on 14th April but I'm so fucking scared. Really scared. Not just about the cost but about the procedures and drugs and the toll it might have on me.