Saturday, November 7, 2009

New home

I've been in the UK for around 3 weeks now.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Joshua and I always wonder what our lives would be like with a little Andrew or little me in our home.  I feel incredibly sad that he/she isn't already with us, particularly when I hear or read about how rewarding being a parent is for other people.

I feel crushed every time I see a pregnant belly, in fact I saw five of them today in less than two hours and I felt such a deep sadness that one of those bellies wasn't mine.  I can't come to terms with being childless, I don't know if that is my destiny or whether parenthood is just around the bend for me.  We aren't TTC, but we're not trying to prevent it from happening either.  I am too scared of building up my hopes every cycle just to have them come crashing down again.  If I fall pregnant, I just want it to happen in its own time rather than do my head in with the wondering and worrying.

Anyhow, I think it's time to put this blog away and try to concentrate on building a new life.  Thank you for following my journey, I hope that I can start a new blog with happy news one day soon.

Belinda xo

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One year

My life has been turned upside down ever since we lost our son Joshua on this day one year ago.

Joshua's death was just the beginning of a whole series of events that have changed our circumstances and now I hope that once we settle into a new life in the UK we will be blessed with another baby.

Not a day passes that I don't think of you, my tiny boy.  Andrew & I will love you forever xoxoxo

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Taking a break

There's not much to post about on this blog for now, as I am preparing to move to the UK and I won't have time to worry about trying to conceive or any of those issues until I'm present and settled in the UK.

I do have another blog that you can track me on as I embark on a new adventure around the other side of the world, so please come and visit me here

xo B

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Four years

I just realised tonight that it has been four years since hubby and I started TTC.

Four years.

Three D&C's.

One laparoscopy.

Hundreds of ovulation tests.

Dozens of pregnancy tests.

Countless blood tests.

Four miscarriages.

No baby.

I was just reading back on some posts from two years ago. I was a little bitter then about the whole process and how easy it is for some people and how it's all so unfair.

Fast forward two years and I have all but given up. Of course people are going to find it easier than me, of course they are going to have effortless pregnancies. I am beyond bitter. I can't even think of the right word for it.

Sometimes I believe it will happen, but most of the time I don't know what to believe. Getting my hopes up seems dangerous. So too does falling at God's feet and begging for mercy.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


I've been thinking alot about Joshua these last few days. Probably because it is coming up to one year since the awful night we lost him. I'm having flashbacks to the trauma, the pain, the blood and the grief. It's like it only happened yesterday.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if it will ever happen. It hurts too much to even contemplate life without a child for my husband and I.

All I do know is, this whole journey is one huge lesson in gratitude. I will be the most grateful woman in the world if/when I get to meet my baby.

It has now been 4.5 weeks since the processing began on my visa application. From what I can gather, the processing times vary from 7 to 12 weeks. Apparently it depends on how complicated the individual application is, and how quickly the BHC actually receives the information from various govt departments. The final decision rests with the Entry Clearance Manager, and depending on what country the ECM is in at the time can affect the approval process too.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Still in Aus

Here I am, still waiting to return to the UK.

I stuffed up my visa application and had to start again. More money & more time wasted.

The new application was posted away two weeks ago and the current processing time is 12 weeks. So at this rate I could be waiting til mid-November to get my visa approved.

I miss Andrew so much, we've been apart for five months now. So much for this being the year of the baby, we haven't even had an opportunity to try.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


Well, things are still dragging out in Oz. I have finally submitted my visa application so I hope it doesn't take too long to be completed. I am a bit worried that there will be some stupid reason for them to refuse me a visa and all of our plans will be out the window.

Emotionally and spiritually, I am feeling stronger. Passing Joshua's due date on April 24 was a big thing for me, it always is for every miscarriage. I've been doing alot of healing with the aide of my new friend Michelle, she owns a healing centre in Richmond and she has been giving me some free healing sessions. We've been getting in touch with my inner child and I have found that she is really hurting, alot of this explains why I have experienced so many problems in my pelvic region and why I haven't been able to sustain a pregnancy. I'm by no means "cured" yet, there's still a long way to go, but it feels good to be working on myself spiritually before I return to the UK.