Monday, June 30, 2008

It gets worse

I have been informed that the Endometriosis is actually worse than I was initially told. My gyno described it as being "peppered about" my insides, scattered around and difficult to remove. So it was all left there and it has been upgraded from "a small amount of endo on one ovary" to "mild Endometriosis".

It now explains why my period pains have been so much worse over the last 3yrs. And now it seems that we will likely skip IUI and go straight onto IVF. According to the gyno anyway.

I have made two appointments for the end of June, shame I couldn't get in any earlier but it could have been an even longer wait which would have made me feel even worse:

30th July - I see the fertility specialist in Ballarat who I first met back in April
31st July - I will see a naturopath who has apparently had very good success with women's reproductive issues.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Awful day.

Reflecting on how much this journey has dragged out so far and how many women have come and gone through my support groups. Every single one has been diagnosed with some form of infertility. And now, almost all of them have been able to conceive and deliver a baby.

It is killing me slowly, I don't know how much longer I can handle being childless. If I could just fall pregnant and then sustain that pregnancy.... that is all I want.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Remember this post?

Positive Expectation/Belief
Optimism <---- I used to be here
Hopefulness <--- and here
Jealousy <---- Now I reside here
Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness <---- and here
Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness <---- and here
Just 24hrs til I see my gyno, I am really scared but so sick of being scared too. I have enough shit going on in my life without the added pressure of not being able to bear children.

In just 3 months' time it will be three years since we started trying... it makes me want to hurl. We should have a toddler by now and another one on the way. I would have been 14 weeks pregnant with our second baby if I hadn't lost it.

This is so so fucked up. Please can someone just give us a break from this nightmare?

Friday, June 13, 2008

Nine more days til I see my gyno and figure out where to go next. I am scared, heartbroken, miserable, depressed. Why the hell is this all taking so long?

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Today has been the most horrendous day. I suppose it's a combination of things but it has all culminated a really heavy, painful period and I feel so little self-worth right now, I can't bear to hear about or look at other people's babies lest I should break down and cry.

I hate that my body has rejected a human life three times now when I so desperately want a baby. Is it my body's way of telling me that I don't deserve to have a baby? Am I not treating my body badly enough?

Maybe I should be chain smoking, drinking bourbon by the bottle every night, shooting up, getting paid to have sex with complete strangers. Seems to work for those women somehow.

It is my hubby's 33rd birthday today. I couldn't think of a better present than to be celebrating his birthday with his first born child who should be here with us, giving her dadda lots of big slobbery kisses and cuddles. I can only hope that his 34th birthday in June next year is a special cause for celebration.