Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Not sure what I want anymore... not sure if a baby is on my agenda... I just don't think I can go on hoping when everything is so shithouse and all the odds are stacked against me.

It's so painful to witness all the ladies in my support groups leaving and moving on because they are pregnant. Of course they deserve to be happy and to celebrate their achievements, but it is such a bitter pill to swallow.

Infertility is a very isolating, terrifying experience. The sickness in my stomach is indescribable.

Friday, September 21, 2007

My dog ate my post


Don't you hate that? I had typed up quite a long post and then lost it. Hmph, so much for the autosave function!

To cut a long story short:

SA results are back.

Count = Population excellent
Morphology = beach studs
Motility = not lifesaver material


I am hoping that it is just a simple change of lifestyle that can affect sperm motility. Hubby has been under so much stress lately and his diet has been lacking because he has been so busy that he rarely comes home for every meal.

We have to re-test in 3 months' time, that seems too far away. I wonder why so long? Not that it really matters much because I've been a drama queen yet again and now my Lap has been postponed until November.

Lately I've been suffering a few headaches and I assumed the one on Monday was a migraine but I told DH that if the headaches continued I would go see a Dr. Tuesday afternoon I was feeling perfectly okay and was working on the farm doing my usual chore of calf rearing.

I got mega pissed off with this one particular calf who was being very unco-operative and kept struggling to get away from me so I yelled at it until I was red in the face. Just as I gave up on it I noticed that my eyesight was going a bit weird, I was seeing colourful spots in front of me.

So I packed up and drove off in the ute towards home, thinking that if I wasn't feeling any better when I got there then I'd go rest for a little while before finishing my work over there. But I didn't make it home, did I?

My vision was getting worse and I was feeling nauseous so I pulled over and radioed DH to come and get me. By the time he got there I'd passed out and was slumped across the seat. He immediately called an ambulance and I was carted off to hospital for examination.

By the time I got to hospital I had regained consciousness and felt much better, the Dr on duty examined me and then sent me off to a larger hospital where I stayed for the night and had a CT scan. The CT didn't show up anything other than my old scar tissue from my stroke so I have to go for an EEG and MRI in Geelong as well as see my neurologist Dr T.

What the Drs think happened to me was that I suffered a TIA - Transient Ischaemic Attack. Usually these events happen to people before they suffer a stroke, but they can also occur up to 4 years AFTER a stroke. So why was I never told about a TIA and that I was at risk?

So now, the Lap has been moved to 12th of November at this stage but I have to see my gyno Dr B after I have seen Dr T.

* sigh *

Why the fuck does this have to be so dramatic? Why can't I just have a baby like most other women? It totally stinks, I am in much better health than many other women who have conceived and had babies, yet this drags on and on and on. One fucking drama after another.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

It's time to admit...

... that I'm not coping with my own weight loss regiment at home, I need to go back to WW meetings for the motivation and support. I thought I could go it alone but there are a few reasons why I should go back. Two of them are a) I have been self-sabotaging and not limiting my treats b) hubby has been a sabotage as well. Sorry boy, you know it's true though :-(

So back to the meeting on Thursday night, not the most convenient day of the week but I've got to do this or I'll never get this excess weight off otherwise.

I have no idea how much I weigh either!! I get the feeling that I'm still around the 80kg mark or possibly less, I don't think my clothes feel any tighter so that's a good sign. They were starting to feel really loose (yay!!), even my size 12 jeans were getting baggy around the bum. They still feel baggy so maybe I've just been maintaining the weight I got down to a few months back.

In a way it's shameful to admit that I still weigh whatever it is that I weigh now. I first joined WW back in 2000 and got down to 80kg when I stopped going. So for the last 7 years I have been yoyoing between 80kg and 89kg, dropping out of WW and joining up again. That can't be good for my health. But I made a discovery a few days ago while watching a WW DVD... I am scared that I can't lose any more weight and I have believed for a long time now that I am destined to be 80kg for the rest of my life.

Says who???

Surely I can get to my ultimate goal weight? I have been so close to the finish line once before, why can't I get there? I know what my belief is. I believe that because I have stored this fat on my body for so long, it is going to be near impossible to shed it. That can't be true can it? I'll have to find out more, possibly speak to a qualified fitness guru or something.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Going under the knife

I had hoped to avoid it but after another cycle of failing to get pregnant, I now have to go through a laparoscopy, HSG and hysteroscopy to find out why I'm not getting pregnant. I feel sick just thinking about it. I am truly scared because there is a chance that the surgeon may end up putting a very big hole in a very important organ like my ovary or uterus or intestine. A 1 in 400 chance sounds quite low to some, but to me that's too high. If it was a 1 in 10 000 chance then I'd probably shrug it off.

It's not just the risk factor, it's the time factor as well. So much time being wasted. I'm getting quite angry that this is all taking too much time. I SHOULD BE PREGNANT BY NOW!! No.... I SHOULD HAVE HAD A BABY BY NOW. My little baby would be 6 months old if I hadn't lost her.


Onwards and upwards as they say.

So today is either CD1 or CD2, AF is playing games with me but I'm pretty sure it's CD2 and today is going to be hell. Time to roll out the painkillers.

At least we have one more cycle to try before I have to have the surgery. It's going to be a very busy month.

The one positive outcome of the appointment today was that I got my BT results back and I am definitely ovulating au naturale :-) Can't complain about that can I? It is such a relief to not have to take Clomid anymore to induce ovulation.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Current mood: impatient... but hopeful

I'm in the two week wait (TWW), about 6DPO so over a week to go before I can do a test or expect AF to show up. I am feeling hopeful, as I always feel during the TWW because I always think "this could be it! This could be our lucky cycle!"

But I'm also feeling incredibly impatient today. Frustrated. Sick of the waiting game. Wanting to have a child so badly, but it just feels like I'm stuck out in the middle of an ocean, waves slapping over me, sun burning down on my head and not a ship or an island in sight. Sometimes the ocean becomes so wild and dark and scary that I think I'm going to drown. If only I could see an island, I'd swim to it and drag myself to shore.

I feel like such a fraud for complaining that it is taking so long to conceive. There are so many women who have tried alot longer than I have, so at times I feel so foolish and selfish for the way I feel. But then there are women who try and fall within 6 months... even on their FIRST month! Or more frustratingly, they weren't trying at all. It is so hard to swallow that. Why can't it be first time every time for every woman? The world would be a much more kindly place.

I'm sorry if this blog bores you, I know that I have lots of emotional ups and downs but that's very much a part of the PCOS sufferer's life, let alone having PCOS and trying to have a baby.