Monday, September 29, 2008


Baby J was lost at 12.45am this morning.

I woke up to a sharp pain, went to the toilet and passed a big clot. Went back to bed & the pain got worse. Got up, took some panadol, crawled into bed again. Five minutes later I dashed back to the bathroom and in one big gush it was all over. There was my beautiful little baby floating in the toilet. I screamed, i howled in grief as I scooped my little baby up and cradled him in my hand, he was about 5cm long. So tiny, so perfect, so lifeless, surrounded by jelly-like pink amniotic fluid. I could make out his eyes, nose, arms and legs with their tiny webbed fingers and toes. He even had a tiny little ribcage and I could see the arteries inside his skull. The umbilical cord was broken, his heart was not beating, he was gone.

I'm sure my baby was a boy, I thought I could see the beginning of his genitals but I could be wrong. I am in hospital tonight, my baby is being preserved in ice for examination, but I'm pretty certain it was the blood clot that ended his life. I love him so much, trying to think of a name but too grief stricken right now.

My little acrobat

Baby is definitely ok, s/he was being quite the performer for the ultrasound I am happy to say! The Dr was quite impressed by all the activity too hehehe.

But I have to admit, I was dying for something quick to eat and drink before the appointment, I only had 15 minutes to pop into a local cafe so decided on a piece of apple cinnamon cake and a very weak cafe latte. My first coffee in about 6 weeks may I add. I think the caffeine and sugar hit had alot to do with Baby's acrobatics.

I feel like a terrible mummy for making such poor choices, but it was a matter of little time and money, and it was much better to have something in my tummy before the appointment otherwise I might have fainted.

Sorry Baby, I will not have coffee again! (cake? ... well, that's another matter entirely.)

This very relieved mummy is now going to take a rest before getting dinner ready.

Growing pains or something else?

Yesterday I was feeling pretty sick and uncomfortable, my lower back and my abdomen started to ache and all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep it off. I couldn't lay on my back because I'd get a pain across my abdomen, then I'd get sharp pains as if there was a big build-up of gas in my intestines. I had bleeding and clotting as well as a horrible headache which has continued today.

Then during the night I woke up and could feel another blood clot moving so the bleeding started again. Today, more clots, more blood. But the good thing is, there is no pain to indicate anything bad. I'm off to the Dr at 2.10pm for a check-up, I am concerned that the headaches are due to losing too much blood and I feel very worried about my little baby, I hope s/he is okay.

Will keep you posted.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

10 weeks today

And what better way to celebrate this milestone than a big whoosh of blood followed by a small-ish clot.

It is unnerving, but not so alarming anymore because I know what is causing it and there's not much I can do about it other than take things easy and hope that everything will be ok.

No point rushing off to the Dr for another ultrasound unless the bleeding is prolonged. I think it has slowed down enough to not be a major concern for now.

I have answers

Saw Liz the Ob yesterday and explained what I'd been experiencing over the last month, in particular what has occurred in the past week or so.

Liz looked at baby on the ultrasound and commented on it's little arms and legs that she could see very easily (I couldn't :P ) and she saw a blood clot sitting underneath the placenta :-( it's correct name is a Retro Placental Haematoma. Apparently this is the cause of my big bleeds. But she decided to check my cervix (oh joy - the speculum again!) and discovered a small polyp growing there. Now, it could only have grown in the last 4 months because Liz is the same person who did my Lap/HSG back in May and I'm pretty sure she would have checked my cervix while she was down there.

The other thing she said yesterday is that my cervix appears "raw", probably from all the trauma and bleeding going on recently.

So, I'm booked in for a Colposcopy next Thursday to have the polyp removed, I'm pretty nervous about that because I don't know what method they will use - surgically or with laser? There is a risk of miscarriage with laser, unless the actual procedure is much safer these days? I have no idea. Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure they do everything with the safety of the baby as top priority :-)

As for the big bleeds and clotting.... well, I don't think there's anything we can do except wait and hope like crazy that I can get to 14 weeks and it all settles down. Liz says that the placenta is a "pretty dodgy one" in the first trimester and it isn't really until the second trimester that it becomes fully formed.

I'm still having smudging and light bleeding, but it has now been 4 days since the last major bleed and I'm trying to take things easy. In fact, I've been advised not to work on the farm anymore, not until 14 weeks anyway. Not that I've been doing anything strenuous, but Liz has placed me in the "high risk" category and doesn't want me to overdo it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I was standing in the post office in my local town this morning when I felt that all-too-familiar trickling sensation. I paid for my stamps and walked as calmly as I could back to the car, hoping that nobody could see how much I was bleeding. Got in the car, drove home as fast as I could without being a total idiot (110kph... not good but could have been worse), blood going everywhere - right through my clothes, into the car seat. Then a massive clot. I felt like I wanted to scream, it was scaring me so much.

Pulled up at my house, walked inside as gingerly as I could, got to the bathroom and blood went everywhere. I was sure it was all over, it was worse than ever before. Took me ages to clean it all up as well as myself, called Andrew to let him know, called the hospital and spoke to the midwife who saw me only two days ago, she called my Dr and he said come in straight away for a scan.

So I finished cleaning up, got dressed and drove back into town (without my purse or any money - it was the last thing on my mind even though I needed it!!) and waited patiently to see the Dr. He had to leave but his wife works in the same clinic so I saw her instead. She whipped the ultrasound machine on, applied the gel and I held my breath.

Baby was still there, heart still beating :-) and just as the Dr was about to take the ultrasound wand away, baby did a little jump for us! Very encouraging to see.

So what is causing this freaking nightmarish bleeding every few days?? Drs are all saying it's a blood clot, but now it's a clot right near the placenta :-( I think the placenta is disturbing the blood clot and causing it to break away and start bleeding again. So, what am I supposed to do?

I am seeing an Obs tomorrow, perhaps she can give me a possible explanation, maybe a referral to have an ultrasound on a much better machine that will give us a clearer picture?

I wish I didn't have to see my baby under these circumstances... it's lovely to know it is still alive and thriving (bouncing) in my belly, but geez...

Bring on October 17th, I'll be 13 weeks by then and officially at the end of my first trimester. Hopefully the bleeding will stop completely once I'm in the second.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Another trip to hospital

Who would believe that I could bleed that much and not be losing my baby??

I went to hospital AGAIN today, another big bleed, worse than the last one.

Dr didn't hesitate to have the ultrasound machine wheeled in and she found our baby almost as soon as she stuck that magic wand on my tummy. A nurse was attending with her and had a much better view of the monitor than I so she could have sworn blind that there were little arms and legs moving about!

From my angle, I couldn't see much except the sac and a little white blob (baby) laying at the bottom of it, but Andrew, the Dr and the nurse could ALL make out our baby's heartbeat. So as long as three people could see it, it didn't matter that I couldn't.

A really large blood clot was the culprit, it passed not long ago at home. Probably the same one my Ob could see on the ultrasound on Wednesday before I left hospital. Hopefully it is the LAST one and I can start to enjoy pregnancy instead of being on edge all the time.

Friday, September 19, 2008

9 weeks today

Wow. Just... wow.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Spoke too soon

Just as I was getting ready for bed on Tuesday night I started to bleed again. No warning or pain, it just started running down my legs. I raced to the bathroom to wash it all off and it kept coming and coming. I was convinced that this was the big one and that I was losing my baby :-(

Went straight to the hospital, the Dr examined me and discovered a massive blood clot just outside my cervix, it was horrifying, I could feel blood gushing everywhere it was so upsetting.

I was admitted for the night and they ran some blood tests, I wasn't allowed to eat breakfast in the morning just in case I was having a miscarriage and they would need to do a D&C.

Thankfully, it wasn't the case and my Obstetrician came in and found baby's heartbeat going nice and strong! He even put the sound on so we could hear the heartbeat. Well, I walked out of that room with the biggest smile on my face and one of the nurses who had been caring for me gave me a lovely hug. I had been crying that morning and she had sat with me for a while and shared some personal experiences with her own infertility battles.

Got home yesterday afternoon and I was just exhausted, all I did was sleep or lay in bed and read. I'm not on bedrest orders but obviously I'm not going to do anything strenuous, just some light duties on the farm when I'm absolutely desperately needed.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


I probably would have been in bed by 7.30 last night if it wasn't for Top Gear, I'm certainly not a car lover but I love watching that show.

Today, I had to have a nanna nap for about 1.5hrs, I was so exhausted and feeling quite murky from nausea.

Bleeding has settled back into smudging now. I didn't bother going to the Dr for another ultrasound yesterday, I figured that the way things were going I could hold out til tomorrow to see my baby again :-)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Scarey but okay

Ok, don't panic... but I had a bleed today and for a while I was convinced it was all over :-(

Went to my local hospital and had to wait a couple of hours to see the Dr and have an ultrasound, thankfully he found baby's heartbeat almost straight away!

I couldn't see a damn thing, partly coz I was laying on the bed and had my head tilted backwards to see the monitor, and it was an antique machine so the image was fairly fuzzy.

The Dr who saw me isn't my usual Dr but he knows my history well so he said I could come in to see him on Monday or Tuesday and have another ultrasound on the new machine in his office, rather than the hospital. I think I'll take him up on the offer on Monday, then I have my Ob appointment on Wednesday. That way I'll get to see my baby every second day hehehe!

I'm going to have some dinner then go to bed, it's been a stressful day.

Thank you to those of you who knew and were thinking of me, I really do appreciate the positive energy and well wishes xo

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Tum de dum de dee...

I have been thinking these last couple of days... this pregnancy gig is so slow! It's amazing that it takes 9 months to bake a baby.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

It's official

Pregnancy brain has struck early.

Twice this week I have driven into town (15 minutes' drive), done shopping and headed home, then about 1km from home realise that I've forgotten a few things so had to turn around and go back.

Not usually like that, I write everything down that I need and I know exactly where I need to get it from. But I still managed to forget stuff.


It's going to be a long pregnancy indeed.

A few of my favourite things

FairGoTrading finger puppets made in Peru

All-in-One nappy from Bubblebubs

Girl's outfit from Eternal Creations

Smock blouse from LucysPlace

Gumnut Babies one piece suit I won off eBay

Set of pull-along wobbly ducks from Oxfam

Baby things

I can't help it.

I've been storing links to my favourite websites for almost two years, I have quite a collection of baby related things that I've got on my "wish list"!

One of those things is a gorgeous baby carrier/sling from lovelyduds on the Etsy site.

If I had to choose right now which sling I'd go for it would have to be a gender neutral one, but also something that Andrew wouldn't be embarrassed to wear!

I love these:

The second one is my favourite so far.

Now it's ants!!

Bloody hell, I go outside to take some hay and a bucket of water to a lame cow and I come home with ants crawling on me. One bit my arm so it died a horrible death, then I find more crawling on my neck, in my hair, down my shirt...

Uuuugghhh now I want to take a shower.

Busy little bee

I am definitely feeling more relaxed about this pregnancy, although I am still wary and worried that things might still go wrong. The smudging is ongoing but seems to be occurring less so that's a good thing.

I just can't wait to see baby's heartbeat again :-) The appointment should be on the 17th of this month but I am still waiting on a call from the Obstetrician's office to confirm the date and a time.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Yes it's true, we have a heartbeat!!

I am so relieved, sorry to keep you all in suspense, I just haven't had a chance to post until now.

Everything looks good, I got to see the heartbeat TWICE, yesterday and then at 9am today :D

My due date has been moved back to 24 April but I sort of expected that.

I have another appt in two weeks time to see my Obstetrician again and most likely see my baby!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Five hours to go

I am getting nervous!

Please please please.....

Monday, September 1, 2008

Suggestions please!

I am trying to come up with a really beautiful way to announce to my parents that they are going to be grandparents next year, so far I have a couple of ideas but suggestions are more than welcome!

The only suggestions I've had so far have been quite tacky. I cannot imagine painting "Hello Grandparents" on my belly and posting a photo of it to them, can you? Ugh!

I want the occasion to be beautiful, tasteful and memorable. After all, it will be their first grandchild :-) and my brother certainly won't be having any kids with his current partner, so it's up to Andrew & I!

So far, the only ideas I've come up with are:

  • a bunch of flowers hand delivered by me accompanied with a little teddy bear and a card when I pay a visit in November;

  • a floral arrangement (by courier) and a gift boxed Willow Tree figurine that represents Grandparents (which I give to them when I arrive);

  • or if I can't do it in person, a floral arrangement (by courier) with a card that has a photo of our baby from the 12 week ultrasound.

Here are some examples of Willow Tree figurines that I have in mind as a gift:



New Life (mother, father & baby)

I can't afford to buy all three, so maybe if I buy just the New Life figurine (to represent Andrew, baby and me) as a combined gift or one each of the Grandmother and Grandfather figurines to give as separate gifts to my parents?

If you have any other suggestions please leave a comment!

One more sleep

I am feeling pretty nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow. I have never been this close to having the ultrasound done, it has always ended badly before I could get to the appointment. So you can probably appreciate my anxiety.

The next hurdle, obviously, is seeing a live baby. I am terrified that there won't be one.

I haven't yet told my parents that I am pregnant, a couple of reasons why but mainly because I don't want to have to tell them bad news later on if it doesn't work out. So I will wait til I am 12 weeks at least. Andrew thinks we should wait longer.

So... tomorrow.... 2.30pm will tell us what the future holds. Then hopefully Andrew & I can go out and have a celebratory late lunch and maybe go to the cinema, so I probably won't be home til quite late tomorrow night. You will probably have to wait til Wednesday morning for the news.