Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One year

My life has been turned upside down ever since we lost our son Joshua on this day one year ago.

Joshua's death was just the beginning of a whole series of events that have changed our circumstances and now I hope that once we settle into a new life in the UK we will be blessed with another baby.

Not a day passes that I don't think of you, my tiny boy.  Andrew & I will love you forever xoxoxo

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Taking a break

There's not much to post about on this blog for now, as I am preparing to move to the UK and I won't have time to worry about trying to conceive or any of those issues until I'm present and settled in the UK.

I do have another blog that you can track me on as I embark on a new adventure around the other side of the world, so please come and visit me here

xo B

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Four years

I just realised tonight that it has been four years since hubby and I started TTC.

Four years.

Three D&C's.

One laparoscopy.

Hundreds of ovulation tests.

Dozens of pregnancy tests.

Countless blood tests.

Four miscarriages.

No baby.

I was just reading back on some posts from two years ago. I was a little bitter then about the whole process and how easy it is for some people and how it's all so unfair.

Fast forward two years and I have all but given up. Of course people are going to find it easier than me, of course they are going to have effortless pregnancies. I am beyond bitter. I can't even think of the right word for it.

Sometimes I believe it will happen, but most of the time I don't know what to believe. Getting my hopes up seems dangerous. So too does falling at God's feet and begging for mercy.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


I've been thinking alot about Joshua these last few days. Probably because it is coming up to one year since the awful night we lost him. I'm having flashbacks to the trauma, the pain, the blood and the grief. It's like it only happened yesterday.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if it will ever happen. It hurts too much to even contemplate life without a child for my husband and I.

All I do know is, this whole journey is one huge lesson in gratitude. I will be the most grateful woman in the world if/when I get to meet my baby.

It has now been 4.5 weeks since the processing began on my visa application. From what I can gather, the processing times vary from 7 to 12 weeks. Apparently it depends on how complicated the individual application is, and how quickly the BHC actually receives the information from various govt departments. The final decision rests with the Entry Clearance Manager, and depending on what country the ECM is in at the time can affect the approval process too.