Sunday, July 29, 2007

Today I am feeling....

Quietly hopeful.

Not optimistic or positive expectation, just hopeful.

It seems to happen with every cycle. In the week leading up to ovulation I start feeling more hopeful and optimistic that maybe this time I will fall pregnant. Then after ovulation it's the dreaded two week wait until either AF comes again or I will be able to test to find out if I am up the duff. If AF arrives then I come crashing down and feel absolutely devastated that yet another cycle has slipped away.

But today, I am quietly hopeful. About 4 days til ovulation (I hope to goodness that I do ovulate), then it's the waiting game. By the same token, it will be exactly two weeks until I see Dr B, hopefully I can go to see him with good news of a +ve test that morning and my worries will be all for nothing.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Where does resentment fit in on the emotional scale?

I don't even know if resentment is the right description for what I'm going through right now. Maybe it's bitterness... or irritation. Yep, irritation.

What irritates me is that some people find it so easy to fall pregnant when they weren't even trying. I find it insulting, especially when they are doing all the wrong things to their bodies and they continue to do it when they know they are pregnant.

I have fought hard to get to the physical state I am in, to recover from stroke, PCOS and obesity. I have all but given up alcohol - I really have to be in the mood for a glass of wine which is... gee... maybe twice a year? I have never smoked a cigarette or joint, I hate the smell of both. I have never touched illegal drugs. It's a bitter irony that healthy women who would love nothing more than to bear children are unable to while a crack whore can fall pregnant and have a baby who is born with a severe addiction. It's disgusting.

It is coming up to two years since we started TTC and right now I am having to witness someone I know going through pregnancy who wasn't even trying to conceive, continues to smoke even though she writes it off by saying that she has cut back sooooo much. I can't stand the sight of this young woman now, let alone hear her voice. Hubby knows I am struggling with it, but what more can I do? Life is pretty harsh sometimes :-(

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


Positive Expectation/Belief
I know you're wondering what the hell all that is about, it's called the Emotional Guidance Scale and it's something I've been using over the past few months to help me cope with my worries and emotions. It has been a difficult road since my miscarriages and I have made alot of progress but I still find at times that I allow myself to become overwhelmed.
I really need to get back into practicing some of the exercises and do some meditation more frequently. The whole point of this is to be as close to the top of the scale as I can be and to allow more good things into my life.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

So where am I at right now?

Waiting to see my gyno on 15th August. After my pelvic u/s on 5th July and being diagnosed with a "bicornuate uterus" I am anxious to see Dr B because I truly don't believe that the sonographer is right!

In the last 3-ish years I have had at least 4 pelvic u/s and 2 D&C's, and on NONE of these occasions was I ever told I had a bicornuate uterus. You would think that something like this couldn't be missed? A few days after the u/s I rang my gyno's office and spoke to the clinic nurse, she looked at my records and said she couldn't find any mention of a bicornuate uterus. So if the sonographer's diagnosis is wrong, I'll be really cranky and I'll be making a complaint.

(From what I've learnt, it is very common for a bicornuate uterus to be misdiagnosed, so if ever you are diagnosed with it I would urge you to seek a second opinion or at least ask lots of questions while having your ultrasound done and ask the sonographer to show you exactly how he/she came to this conclusion. Then after that, SEEK A SECOND OPINION! Or ask your gyno why this wasn't picked up during past examinations.)

Waiting to hear back from my naturopath so that I can get started on the herbal medicine (ick! Poison!!) to assist with weight loss. I have quite a physically demanding job on the farm so I get the majority of my exercise from that but I ought to start doing more walking, especially at this time of year when there are NO FLIES!!!!


Thank you for reading my blog, I hope I don't bore you ;-) Actually the reason you're here is most likely because you are a fellow PCOS sufferer (or Cyster, as we affectionately refer to each other) or you are familiar with the trauma of miscarriage or the stress of trying to conceive a baby.

As my timeline says, I was diagnosed with PCOS in March 2004 and it suddenly explained why I had all these horrible symptoms that I thought were just my lot in life, that I had just inherited it from my mother. Well, it may be something I've inherited but I don't know that for sure... long story but in a nutshell, I am adopted and my adoptive mother has many of the symptoms that I have but she had a full hysterectomy when I was a toddler.

Since September 2005 I have been trying to conceive (TTC) and have had two failed pregnancies, both while using Clomid because I wasn't ovulating. Oddly, since stopping Clomid I have had fairly regular cycles and I'm 99.5% certain that I'm ovulating - all the symptoms are there, I'm just 0.5% unsure because unless I have a blood test to confirm it then I can't be completely confident. I am positive though that I can contribute the restored ovulation to weight loss.

So, now that my body appears to be doing what it is meant to do, I intend to focus more on my weight loss so that I can be as prepared as possible for pregnancy. I have been slack, stopped going to Weight Watchers when I got down to 76.5kg so goodness knows where I am right now. I have had terrible cravings and binges on sweet things over recent weeks so I know I need to get that under control and get back on track. I've decided to go back to my naturopath and try losing weight with herbal medicines and I also want to alter my diet a bit and not eat so much dairy or meat.

I hope you will stay with me on this journey.

xo Belinda


  • Was always heavier than other girls, even before puberty. Puberty started at age 11. I don't think I was "overweight", I was comfortable with my body but I was aware that I was a bit taller and heavier than my friends, it just didn't bother me
  • Always painful heavy periods. Cramping would be so severe sometimes that I would be laying on my bed doubled up in agony
  • Complained to Dr about bleeding problems, was put on the Pill for a few years to regulate cycles. Went on and off the Pill a few times
  • Started gaining more weight around 22yo, the coarse facial hair began appearing around this time
  • At 24yo I had really ballooned in weight peaked at 96kg before joining WW, lost 16kg.
  • Stopped going to WW because I had moved house and thought I could do it on my own
  • Around 1999 I started experiencing clotting during my periods, this steadily got worse
  • Maintained around 80kg for 3yrs, gained some back after Canada holiday when I wasn’t working
  • March 2004 I was diagnosed with PCOS. U/s showed NO CYSTS on ovaries. Was put on Diane35 pill but started suffering side effects so stopped taking it after about 3 cycles
  • November 2004 suffered a stroke. After that, cycles went crazy and I was having bouts of bleeding for weeks on end.
  • Complained to my Dr, I was referred for another u/s and this revealed slightly enlarged ovaries, at least 15 cysts on each. Was referred to gyno who put me on a round of Primolut to bring on a period, then had blood test on CD21 to find out if I was ovulating.
  • Joined WW again at 89kg - March 2006
  • Prescribed Clomid, started taking it March 2006. Fell pregnant on third cycle but miscarried at 6wks. Fell pregnant again on fourth cycle and miscarried at 5wks.
  • Stopped taking Clomid, started acupuncture and this appeared to be helping me to ovulate. Went for a few months but couldn’t afford it any longer.
  • Got down to 76.5kg on WW, stopped going but need to get back there again, don’t know how much I have gained back but I desperately want to get down to 65kg.
  • I am 99.5% sure that I am still ovulating every cycle, the physical symptoms are always there – breast tenderness, very high temperatures.
  • Went back to Dr in April 2007 to complain about heaviness of bleeding and large clots. Dr was reluctant to do anything about it because I am still TTC. Referred for another u/s which I had done 5th July, sonographer asked me if I knew I had a bicornuate uterus. I have never been told this before despite having several u/s and 2 D&C in the last three years.
  • Waiting to see gyno on 15th August, I want to know where do we go from here?? Do I go back to Clomid again or do I go to a fertility specialist? Do I have a bicornuate uterus and would this be why I miscarried twice? How can we prevent future miscarriages??