Saturday, November 7, 2009

New home

I've been in the UK for around 3 weeks now.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Joshua and I always wonder what our lives would be like with a little Andrew or little me in our home.  I feel incredibly sad that he/she isn't already with us, particularly when I hear or read about how rewarding being a parent is for other people.

I feel crushed every time I see a pregnant belly, in fact I saw five of them today in less than two hours and I felt such a deep sadness that one of those bellies wasn't mine.  I can't come to terms with being childless, I don't know if that is my destiny or whether parenthood is just around the bend for me.  We aren't TTC, but we're not trying to prevent it from happening either.  I am too scared of building up my hopes every cycle just to have them come crashing down again.  If I fall pregnant, I just want it to happen in its own time rather than do my head in with the wondering and worrying.

Anyhow, I think it's time to put this blog away and try to concentrate on building a new life.  Thank you for following my journey, I hope that I can start a new blog with happy news one day soon.

Belinda xo