Sunday, August 31, 2008


My little mate, Rebel the cattle dog, had to be euthanased this morning because he was too sick to carry on.

He was 13 years old and his health had been failing for a while.

I can't help but cry, I wanted to say goodbye to him but he was living at my parents' place in Sydney and I just couldn't be there.

I will always remember how I taught him to carry the newspaper from the letterbox up to the back step of the house, he thought he was pretty clever. And I could never say "WALKS" otherwise he would go crazy with excitement. He used to carry his walking leash down to the front gate, drop it and then start whining and running around in circles. Daggy dog.

Good boy Rebel, you done well buddy.

Two days to go

I cannot wait for the first ultrasound to be over with. I need to know that we have a little baby on board with a heart beating away like crazy.

Spotting still happening, but I don't think spotting is the right word. "Smudging" is more appropriate. It's no heavier than it has been, don't get me wrong, it's just that "spotting" gives the impression of little spots of dried blood, but it's not. There's a "smudge" on the toilet paper when I wipe.

Boobs sore as anything, I feel like I could fry an egg on myself when I wake up in the morning so my temperature is still way up as it should be, the nausea isn't overpowering but it's enough to make me not want to eat (but I do, because I must!). All good signs.

Friday, August 29, 2008


I've found a way to take my herbs without the razor blade effect on my throat.

This morning I mixed 5ml of herbs with 40ml of orange juice. Went down much easier. Then I followed that up with another 40ml of juice. And another one.

The horrible taste was gone from my mouth pretty quickly.

Still spotting this morning, always scary to see but it's not bright red or heavy. And my boobs were hurting like crazy when I woke up, more than ever before, so I'm taking that as a good sign that things are progressing.

I'm 7 weeks pregnant today. It's the furthest I've ever been in a pregnancy so that's quite an achievement. I am hoping hoping hoping to see that little heart flashing on the ultrasound on Tuesday.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Maybe some hope?


Those herbs are AWFUL. But if swallowing razor blades is what I must do, then swallow razor blades I will!

The bleeding has settled down this morning, instead of being bright red it has diminished significantly and is now dark brown, almost mucus-like in consistency.

The herbs must be helping.

I will update again today or tomorrow.

All I am focusing on right now is getting to my first ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon, then seeing the Ob on Wednesday morning. If I can make it that far without the bleeding getting worse, there may be a little bit of hope to hold on to.


I picked up some herbal meds from the Naturopath this afternoon and took 5ml as soon as I could get to a pharmacy and buy a little measuring cup. Oh my god, talk about trying to swallow razor blades, the stuff is AWFUL! Worse than any other herbs I've ever taken.

But, if swallowing razor blades is what it takes to save this pregnancy, I'll do it again and again and again.


Last night I was feeling a little more confident about the pregnancy and the spotting had settled down to practically nothing.

This morning I got out of bed and went to the loo only to be confronted by pinkish discharge.

Then after breakfast I went again and it had turned to red.

I will be going to the hospital as soon as things get worse, for now I'm just trying to stay calm and take things easy as much as possible.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A little reassuring

Saw the Dr, my HCG level on 22/8 was 2892, so has more than doubled.

Still doesn't explain why I'm having the browny-pink discharge though.

My Dr is going away on holidays for 2-3 weeks so she wants me to be under the specialist care of a senior Obstetrician so I will be receiving a phone call sometime soon with an appointment time.


Last night while at Tafe I went to the bathroom only to be confronted by some brown spotting on the loo paper. My heart sank. This is always the way a miscarriage starts.

Early this morning I found more brown spotting, this time tinged with pink.

Brown turns to pink, pink turns to red. That's the way it always happens.

Since finding the pinkish brown stain on the loo paper, I haven't had any more spotting. I hope it stays that way, I can't bear to suffer another miscarriage.

I am seeing my Dr at 3.15 today, let her know what I've found but also get the results of LAST FRIDAY'S blood test. I am soooo cranky and can't understand why someone can't just PHONE ME instead of mark the result as "Discuss" and then not even call me and ask me to come in for a consultation?? It's utterly ridiculous that I have to chase them up with phone calls at least twice every day and still get nowhere.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Positive Expectation/Belief
Hopefulness <--- Now I reside here
Jealousy <---- I used to reside here
Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness <---- and here
Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness <---- and here

6 weeks today

Hhhmm, not sure why my ticker puts me one day ahead, maybe it's a time difference thingamy.

So I'm pretty sure I'm 6 weeks along today, oh boy is this going to be a looooong pregnancy. It's not going quickly enough for my liking. I have never made it past 6.5 weeks so this is a really, truly scary time.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Excited but....

As happy as I am that I am now pregnant again, after suffering three miscarriages I can't help but feel really anxious and scared that it is going to happen again.

I haven't had any spotting or bleeding to suggest that it is happening though, and I hope like mad that it stays that way. To have my baby stripped away from me so many times is just unfair, it can't keep happening.

I am trying to stay positive and only think good thoughts and have hope for the future, but sometimes it's difficult to do when I've been robbed and cheated of something that comes so easily and effortlessly for others.

Officially pregnant!


On 18/8 my beta hcg level was 466, progesterone 37.4.

Fucking fantastic!! I am officially pregnant!

* dance *

I had another blood test today, hoping to have the result by tomorrow morning. Levels are supposed to double every 3 days, today is actually 4 days since the first blood test so my levels should be well over 900 by now?

Monday, August 18, 2008

No news is good news

Had blood sample taken today, results should be available by tmrw afternoon.

No sign of spotting or bleeding, so today is a small victory!

My only signs are enlarged, sore boobs and that bloated, heavy feeling down in my pelvis.

Sunday, August 17, 2008


On the 14th of August I was feeling absolutely crappy and miserable about everything and I knew that AF was expected any time but I decided to do a HPT just for the sake of it, to put myself out of misery and accept what was to come.

So imagine my shock and surprise when I saw two lines come up on the test almost instantly??

I actually did the test, put the cap on it and stuck it in my pocket, promptly forgot about it and then remembered again about 30 seconds later hahaha!

I did a second test the next day, just to be sure.

Sooooooooo nervous now, my blood test is tomorrow and I know I won't get any results until Tuesday afternoon at the very earliest.

After suffering three miscarriages already, I am very anxious about this pregnancy. As usual, no real symptoms other than sore breasts. I will feel more reassured when I start suffering from a bit of morning sickness.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Appt went down like a lead balloon, I walked out sobbing.

The FS tried to tell me that the only thing he could do for us is IVF. He flatly refused to do any further testing on either myself or DH.

What does this guy reckon IVF is going to do for us that natural conception can't? If he wants us to jump straight in the deep end then I want an iron clad guarantee that he will get me pregnant first go, or I want my money back.

But we know that's not going to happen, so we have a new referral to a new FS and I'm seeing him on 21st August at 1pm.