Saturday, February 28, 2009


Yeah, feeling really blah tonight.

I'm sorry for the woe is me post, but I feel like this is the only way I can vent because nobody else I know can really identify with what I am going through.

I have been trying really hard for the past few days to think positively and repeat my new mantra whenever I start feeling down and negative about my chances of ever falling pregnant again and carrying that baby to full term.

I am hurting. So much. And right now I'm staying with friends who do know about my miscarriages but they've never been comfortable with talking about it. The only other person here who I could try to talk to about it is hubby, but any time I do bring it up it's like there's this wall that has suddenly been thrown up. As if he has gone down into shutdown mode and doesn't have anything to offer me.

What am I meant to do with all this sadness and grief that is building up inside me?

It feels like I'm living a nightmare that is never going to end.

I just want to feel my little baby boy inside me. It's cruel and wrong that he's not here with me anymore.

Friday, February 27, 2009


No, not to me.

Miss Danimezza, who found out today that she is 13 weeks pregnant and had absolutely no idea she was up the duff. How do you do it Dani?? I am jealous as all hell but I am very happy for you :D I only hope that the universe is providing for me and I won't be waiting too much longer to announce my own joyful news.

All the best for the next 6 months or so xoxo

Monday, February 23, 2009

Lazy day

I am having the laziest day today.

Andrew has gone off to visit a farm with a guy who he knows via some dairy industry connections.

I'm not the least bit interested in going, nor sitting in the car for 6 hours just travelling there and back.

So now I'm sitting in our motel room, lapping it up and having a quiet day all to myself. Croissants for breakfast, a nice hot cup of tea, a bowl of cereal, a glass of OJ.

And the laptop all to myself. I can surf to my heart's content, all while still in bed. How lazy is that?

Actually, it's nice to just be alone for a while with my thoughts, catch up on a few emails, say hi to friends on Facebook etc.

I can relax a little more today, but yesterday things were looking desperate and I was stressing out about money. One quick phone call to my parents and things were sorted.

We have one more week in the UK, but may be able to extend it for a couple more as long as we are ultra conservative with our dosh.

The other thing that was stressing me out yesterday was the flashbacks to my last miscarriage. I was in Edinburgh yesterday with hubby, we were waiting at a bus stop on the Royal Mile (the street leading up to Edinburgh Castle) and an ambulance went past, sirens blaring. It suddenly reminded me of the last time I was in an ambulance being rushed to hospital because I'd suffered a TIA and was found unconscious.

Those memories triggered more memories of the last time I was in hospital, when I miscarried. And all the vivid images in my head came flooding back. The blood, the clots, the tiny lifeless body laying curled up in my hand, so vulnerable.

Our son. I miss him so much, time has flown since we parted and it seems like it was only yesterday. If he hadn't been stolen away by that awful haematoma, he would still be growing, wriggling and kicking inside me right now, I'd be able to feel it! I should be 7 months pregnant, I should be sharing my journey to motherhood with a bunch of other April mums, I should be buying baby goods, building cots, setting up a nursery, preparing my body for labour and birth.

When will this nightmare end, when will my hopes become a reality? Will they EVER become a reality? The chance that they won't scares me.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Roulette wheel

Ever feel like you are that tiny little ball going around and around on the roulette wheel, not knowing where you're going to land?

I feel a bit like that at the moment.

We are travelling in the UK still, in fact we're in Edinburgh, Scotland, for two days. It's great to be here, but my mind is constantly drawn to where we'll settle when it's time to end our holiday.

And because of the uncertainty of where we will live (Australia? UK? North America?) I am always thinking about the baby situation. And then there's my age. I'm going to turn 35 this December. It will be 4 years of trying to have a baby. I don't want to be having children after 35, it just doesn't feel right. I know heaps of other women have done it, but I can't imagine myself doing it. So now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it may never happen.

Friday, February 13, 2009


AF started today :(

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Negative... again

Ok, after three negative tests I think I have a definite answer.

I am shattered to say the least. October would have been the ideal month for a baby. What a way to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary.

And it would have been nice to have my first baby before turning 35.


I took a second test.


I'm almost positive that it has been two weeks since ovulation, based on breast tenderness and cervical mucus.

So why hasn't AF shown up?

I'm giving her 2 more days and if there is no show I'm buying more tests.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Silly me

I tested this afternoon... just because I had "a feeling".


I survived

We're back at our temporary home with other friends, the weekend of torture is over.

It wasn't that bad, I'm just being a bit dramatic.

The whole time I was there, I was trying to think of a way to turn it into a positive experience for me. I think I managed to do it because I reached a point where I felt genuinely happy for the expecting couple, they seem to be such lovely people, I'm sure they deserve all the joy and happiness that their baby will bring them.

And then I realised that seeing our pregnant friend just reinforced how much I want the same thing and how excited I will be when my turn comes.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


I didn't want to go, but felt like I'd be looked upon as a sourpuss if I didn't.

We're staying with friends of Andrew's, and they are expecting a baby in only a few months. She has a lovely, obvious baby bump. I can't stand to look, but I can't look away.

It hurts.

I don't want to be here.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Where I'm at right now

I've been in the UK since just before Christmas, having left the farm and taking a big holiday around Australia for 6 weeks. Having a great time in the UK, we've had a heap of snow which I'm excited about, but everyone else is whinging and complaining... like typical Poms really!

While travelling in Aus I still grieved but didn't even want to contemplate trying again so a couple of cycles have passed by. They were a bit longer than usual, the first cycle after the miscarriage was 7 weeks, the next one was 6 weeks. Now I'm on cycle three and I think this one is going to be about 6-7 weeks as well.

I have decided to give Traditional Chinese Medicine a go, starting acupuncture and acupressure treatment about two weeks ago. I'm having a rather intensive treatment program over the next six weeks while we're still in the UK. Today is meant to be the day of my third treatment but because of the snow on the roads, Andrew isn't confident that we'll get there :-(

Back again

I thought I was being really original by re-naming this blog Year of the Baby, but after browsing other blogs by women with fertility issues, it seems I'm not that clever after all. But 2009 really is the Year of the Baby for me. I'm 34 years old now, still struggling to achieve motherhood and not getting any younger. People often say really unhelpful shit like "you're so young, there's plenty of time to have babies!". You know what, it doesn't make me feel any more optimistic about my situation. I don't want to be having children in my late 30's but at the rate we're going, I'll be lucky to have my first baby before I turn 35.