Monday, September 29, 2008

Devastated

Baby J was lost at 12.45am this morning.

I woke up to a sharp pain, went to the toilet and passed a big clot. Went back to bed & the pain got worse. Got up, took some panadol, crawled into bed again. Five minutes later I dashed back to the bathroom and in one big gush it was all over. There was my beautiful little baby floating in the toilet. I screamed, i howled in grief as I scooped my little baby up and cradled him in my hand, he was about 5cm long. So tiny, so perfect, so lifeless, surrounded by jelly-like pink amniotic fluid. I could make out his eyes, nose, arms and legs with their tiny webbed fingers and toes. He even had a tiny little ribcage and I could see the arteries inside his skull. The umbilical cord was broken, his heart was not beating, he was gone.

I'm sure my baby was a boy, I thought I could see the beginning of his genitals but I could be wrong. I am in hospital tonight, my baby is being preserved in ice for examination, but I'm pretty certain it was the blood clot that ended his life. I love him so much, trying to think of a name but too grief stricken right now.

2 comments:

Belladoah said...

Absolutely devastated for you, there are no words. I have cried ever since I first found out, I just hurt so much for you and your husband. You have been through so much and now this. Life is so fucking cruel. Thinking of you, xox.

pamgray said...

Oh darling girl, I'm so terribly sorry. My heart goes out to you. This shouldn't be happening. I'll keep you in my heart.