Baby J was lost at 12.45am this morning.
I woke up to a sharp pain, went to the toilet and passed a big clot. Went back to bed & the pain got worse. Got up, took some panadol, crawled into bed again. Five minutes later I dashed back to the bathroom and in one big gush it was all over. There was my beautiful little baby floating in the toilet. I screamed, i howled in grief as I scooped my little baby up and cradled him in my hand, he was about 5cm long. So tiny, so perfect, so lifeless, surrounded by jelly-like pink amniotic fluid. I could make out his eyes, nose, arms and legs with their tiny webbed fingers and toes. He even had a tiny little ribcage and I could see the arteries inside his skull. The umbilical cord was broken, his heart was not beating, he was gone.
I'm sure my baby was a boy, I thought I could see the beginning of his genitals but I could be wrong. I am in hospital tonight, my baby is being preserved in ice for examination, but I'm pretty certain it was the blood clot that ended his life. I love him so much, trying to think of a name but too grief stricken right now.