Lazy day

I am having the laziest day today.

Andrew has gone off to visit a farm with a guy who he knows via some dairy industry connections.

I'm not the least bit interested in going, nor sitting in the car for 6 hours just travelling there and back.

So now I'm sitting in our motel room, lapping it up and having a quiet day all to myself. Croissants for breakfast, a nice hot cup of tea, a bowl of cereal, a glass of OJ.

And the laptop all to myself. I can surf to my heart's content, all while still in bed. How lazy is that?

Actually, it's nice to just be alone for a while with my thoughts, catch up on a few emails, say hi to friends on Facebook etc.

I can relax a little more today, but yesterday things were looking desperate and I was stressing out about money. One quick phone call to my parents and things were sorted.

We have one more week in the UK, but may be able to extend it for a couple more as long as we are ultra conservative with our dosh.

The other thing that was stressing me out yesterday was the flashbacks to my last miscarriage. I was in Edinburgh yesterday with hubby, we were waiting at a bus stop on the Royal Mile (the street leading up to Edinburgh Castle) and an ambulance went past, sirens blaring. It suddenly reminded me of the last time I was in an ambulance being rushed to hospital because I'd suffered a TIA and was found unconscious.

Those memories triggered more memories of the last time I was in hospital, when I miscarried. And all the vivid images in my head came flooding back. The blood, the clots, the tiny lifeless body laying curled up in my hand, so vulnerable.

Our son. I miss him so much, time has flown since we parted and it seems like it was only yesterday. If he hadn't been stolen away by that awful haematoma, he would still be growing, wriggling and kicking inside me right now, I'd be able to feel it! I should be 7 months pregnant, I should be sharing my journey to motherhood with a bunch of other April mums, I should be buying baby goods, building cots, setting up a nursery, preparing my body for labour and birth.

When will this nightmare end, when will my hopes become a reality? Will they EVER become a reality? The chance that they won't scares me.