Awful day.
Reflecting on how much this journey has dragged out so far and how many women have come and gone through my support groups. Every single one has been diagnosed with some form of infertility. And now, almost all of them have been able to conceive and deliver a baby.
It is killing me slowly, I don't know how much longer I can handle being childless. If I could just fall pregnant and then sustain that pregnancy.... that is all I want.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Remember this post?
Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
Passion
Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
Positive Expectation/Belief
Optimism <---- I used to be here
Hopefulness <--- and here
Contentment
Boredom
Pessimism
Frustration/Impatience/Irritation
“Overwhelment”
Disappointment
Doubt
Worry
Blame
Discouragement
Anger
Revenge
Hatred/Rage
Jealousy <---- Now I reside here
Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness <---- and here
Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness <---- and here
Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
Passion
Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
Positive Expectation/Belief
Optimism <---- I used to be here
Hopefulness <--- and here
Contentment
Boredom
Pessimism
Frustration/Impatience/Irritation
“Overwhelment”
Disappointment
Doubt
Worry
Blame
Discouragement
Anger
Revenge
Hatred/Rage
Jealousy <---- Now I reside here
Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness <---- and here
Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness <---- and here
Just 24hrs til I see my gyno, I am really scared but so sick of being scared too. I have enough shit going on in my life without the added pressure of not being able to bear children.
In just 3 months' time it will be three years since we started trying... it makes me want to hurl. We should have a toddler by now and another one on the way. I would have been 14 weeks pregnant with our second baby if I hadn't lost it.
This is so so fucked up. Please can someone just give us a break from this nightmare?
In just 3 months' time it will be three years since we started trying... it makes me want to hurl. We should have a toddler by now and another one on the way. I would have been 14 weeks pregnant with our second baby if I hadn't lost it.
This is so so fucked up. Please can someone just give us a break from this nightmare?
Friday, June 13, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Today has been the most horrendous day. I suppose it's a combination of things but it has all culminated a really heavy, painful period and I feel so little self-worth right now, I can't bear to hear about or look at other people's babies lest I should break down and cry.
I hate that my body has rejected a human life three times now when I so desperately want a baby. Is it my body's way of telling me that I don't deserve to have a baby? Am I not treating my body badly enough?
Maybe I should be chain smoking, drinking bourbon by the bottle every night, shooting up, getting paid to have sex with complete strangers. Seems to work for those women somehow.
It is my hubby's 33rd birthday today. I couldn't think of a better present than to be celebrating his birthday with his first born child who should be here with us, giving her dadda lots of big slobbery kisses and cuddles. I can only hope that his 34th birthday in June next year is a special cause for celebration.
I hate that my body has rejected a human life three times now when I so desperately want a baby. Is it my body's way of telling me that I don't deserve to have a baby? Am I not treating my body badly enough?
Maybe I should be chain smoking, drinking bourbon by the bottle every night, shooting up, getting paid to have sex with complete strangers. Seems to work for those women somehow.
It is my hubby's 33rd birthday today. I couldn't think of a better present than to be celebrating his birthday with his first born child who should be here with us, giving her dadda lots of big slobbery kisses and cuddles. I can only hope that his 34th birthday in June next year is a special cause for celebration.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Post surgery
Well I had my Laparoscopy and HSG test last Wednesday, had to stay in hospital overnight due to low blood pressure and being in a fair amount of pain. I'm feeling heaps better now though, still have some yucky bruising around my tummy and a little bit of discomfort where my sutures are. I think I have a slight infection of thrush inside my belly button though, so I am off to see my Dr this afternoon.
On June 24th I have to see my gyno to get the full results of the operation, that's 5 weeks away still so I guess I'm just going to focus on continuing my weight loss until then. And hope that I fall pregnant again in the mean time.
On June 24th I have to see my gyno to get the full results of the operation, that's 5 weeks away still so I guess I'm just going to focus on continuing my weight loss until then. And hope that I fall pregnant again in the mean time.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
It's over
I have lost my baby for the third time in a row. It all happened on Sunday 4th May at 6 weeks and 4 days gestation. I am so devastated, I don't know why it happened.
Saw my gyno Dr B three days after the miscarriage and he assured me that I have tested negative for all of the different factors that can cause miscarriage. Clotting issues, anti-phospholipid antibodies, anti-nuclear antibodies, Lupus, Factor V Leiden, chromosomal abnormalities, you name it, all negative.
I am booked in for a Laparoscopy & HSG (dye test) on Wednesday. Dr B wanted me to wait another 3 months and try again before electing to have the operation but I was supposed to have it last October, it had to be cancelled due to a health issue at the time and was re-booked for the following cycle. But my neurologist ordered me to cancel the procedure until he had run some tests on me.
I pushed to have the procedure done ASAP because I think I've waited long enough, I'm so pleased that I was able to get in so quickly, considering that the usual waiting period is 3 months. I elected to have it done at Camperdown hospital instead of the larger hospital in Warrnambool which of course is bigger and services a greater population, hence the long wait. I think I just fluked it on this occasion.
A few days ago I was feeling pretty down and miserable because Andrew is starting to go through some of the same feelings that I have when witnessing other people going through all the excitement and motions of pregnancy and the anticipation of a baby's arrival. Andrew admitted that he is feeling some bitterness about the fact that we have been robbed of our opportunity to become parents on three occasions. So it hurts like hell when we hear other people's stories and witness their excitement.
I turned to a good friend of mine for a bit of consoling and told her how Andrew is hurting and how it is affecting me as well. I told her about a specific situation that was bothering Andrew and she proceeded to lecture me about robbing-other-people-of-their-happiness.
I am so so hurt.... does she actually believe that we would try to rob people of their happiness and excitement about the imminent birth of their child? I thought I had explained the situation clearly to her but it would seem that she didn't read it properly because she got all high and mighty with me.
It has offended and hurt me deeply, I cannot believe that she would even for a second think that, because of our fertility issues and struggles, Andrew and I have become so bitter and vindictive toward pregnant women and their partners that we would try to be so mean. So much for being a good friend. To me, a good friend is a soft place to fall when you are hurting or having a tough time.
I was there for her when she went through a horrid breakup with her ex boyfriend not that long ago. Things just didn't seem right, in the three years they were together she invested so much into the relationship, but all he did was criticize her for not being up to his standards. And when he met someone else, he discarded her as if she was nothing. I didn't judge her for her decision to stay with the guy even though my instincts were telling me that he wasn't right for her and that he didn't care for her the way she did for him. But I was dead accurate the whole time and eventually he dumped her like a pile of wet rags, I was so angry and hurting so much for her but there was little more I could do than to give her my support and say I was sorry for her pain.
I don't expect my friends to have all the answers to my problems, that is why I pay good money to the professionals. All I'd like is for people to say that they are sorry for what we are going through and that they are thinking of us and wishing nothing but good things to come. That is all. It's not alot to ask.
Saw my gyno Dr B three days after the miscarriage and he assured me that I have tested negative for all of the different factors that can cause miscarriage. Clotting issues, anti-phospholipid antibodies, anti-nuclear antibodies, Lupus, Factor V Leiden, chromosomal abnormalities, you name it, all negative.
I am booked in for a Laparoscopy & HSG (dye test) on Wednesday. Dr B wanted me to wait another 3 months and try again before electing to have the operation but I was supposed to have it last October, it had to be cancelled due to a health issue at the time and was re-booked for the following cycle. But my neurologist ordered me to cancel the procedure until he had run some tests on me.
I pushed to have the procedure done ASAP because I think I've waited long enough, I'm so pleased that I was able to get in so quickly, considering that the usual waiting period is 3 months. I elected to have it done at Camperdown hospital instead of the larger hospital in Warrnambool which of course is bigger and services a greater population, hence the long wait. I think I just fluked it on this occasion.
A few days ago I was feeling pretty down and miserable because Andrew is starting to go through some of the same feelings that I have when witnessing other people going through all the excitement and motions of pregnancy and the anticipation of a baby's arrival. Andrew admitted that he is feeling some bitterness about the fact that we have been robbed of our opportunity to become parents on three occasions. So it hurts like hell when we hear other people's stories and witness their excitement.
I turned to a good friend of mine for a bit of consoling and told her how Andrew is hurting and how it is affecting me as well. I told her about a specific situation that was bothering Andrew and she proceeded to lecture me about robbing-other-people-of-their-happiness.
I am so so hurt.... does she actually believe that we would try to rob people of their happiness and excitement about the imminent birth of their child? I thought I had explained the situation clearly to her but it would seem that she didn't read it properly because she got all high and mighty with me.
It has offended and hurt me deeply, I cannot believe that she would even for a second think that, because of our fertility issues and struggles, Andrew and I have become so bitter and vindictive toward pregnant women and their partners that we would try to be so mean. So much for being a good friend. To me, a good friend is a soft place to fall when you are hurting or having a tough time.
I was there for her when she went through a horrid breakup with her ex boyfriend not that long ago. Things just didn't seem right, in the three years they were together she invested so much into the relationship, but all he did was criticize her for not being up to his standards. And when he met someone else, he discarded her as if she was nothing. I didn't judge her for her decision to stay with the guy even though my instincts were telling me that he wasn't right for her and that he didn't care for her the way she did for him. But I was dead accurate the whole time and eventually he dumped her like a pile of wet rags, I was so angry and hurting so much for her but there was little more I could do than to give her my support and say I was sorry for her pain.
I don't expect my friends to have all the answers to my problems, that is why I pay good money to the professionals. All I'd like is for people to say that they are sorry for what we are going through and that they are thinking of us and wishing nothing but good things to come. That is all. It's not alot to ask.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)