Frustrated

I took a second test.

Negative.

I'm almost positive that it has been two weeks since ovulation, based on breast tenderness and cervical mucus.

So why hasn't AF shown up?

I'm giving her 2 more days and if there is no show I'm buying more tests.

Silly me

I tested this afternoon... just because I had "a feeling".

BFN.

I survived

We're back at our temporary home with other friends, the weekend of torture is over.

It wasn't that bad, I'm just being a bit dramatic.

The whole time I was there, I was trying to think of a way to turn it into a positive experience for me. I think I managed to do it because I reached a point where I felt genuinely happy for the expecting couple, they seem to be such lovely people, I'm sure they deserve all the joy and happiness that their baby will bring them.

And then I realised that seeing our pregnant friend just reinforced how much I want the same thing and how excited I will be when my turn comes.

Down

I didn't want to go, but felt like I'd be looked upon as a sourpuss if I didn't.

We're staying with friends of Andrew's, and they are expecting a baby in only a few months. She has a lovely, obvious baby bump. I can't stand to look, but I can't look away.

It hurts.

I don't want to be here.

Where I'm at right now

I've been in the UK since just before Christmas, having left the farm and taking a big holiday around Australia for 6 weeks. Having a great time in the UK, we've had a heap of snow which I'm excited about, but everyone else is whinging and complaining... like typical Poms really!

While travelling in Aus I still grieved but didn't even want to contemplate trying again so a couple of cycles have passed by. They were a bit longer than usual, the first cycle after the miscarriage was 7 weeks, the next one was 6 weeks. Now I'm on cycle three and I think this one is going to be about 6-7 weeks as well.

I have decided to give Traditional Chinese Medicine a go, starting acupuncture and acupressure treatment about two weeks ago. I'm having a rather intensive treatment program over the next six weeks while we're still in the UK. Today is meant to be the day of my third treatment but because of the snow on the roads, Andrew isn't confident that we'll get there :-(

Back again

I thought I was being really original by re-naming this blog Year of the Baby, but after browsing other blogs by women with fertility issues, it seems I'm not that clever after all. But 2009 really is the Year of the Baby for me. I'm 34 years old now, still struggling to achieve motherhood and not getting any younger. People often say really unhelpful shit like "you're so young, there's plenty of time to have babies!". You know what, it doesn't make me feel any more optimistic about my situation. I don't want to be having children in my late 30's but at the rate we're going, I'll be lucky to have my first baby before I turn 35.

Sad

I know I said I wasn't going to post on this blog anymore but today I realised that I should be 17 weeks pregnant by now. It is the most awful feeling knowing that I am not carrying my baby anymore, I miss him more than words can say. And it's even harder knowing of women who are around the same gestation, finding out that they have baby bumps showing or that they are shopping for cots and other furniture for their babies.

Life is just fucked up, I don't know what I did to deserve this pain, but I would do anything to atone for it just so I could have a baby with my husband.