New home

I've been in the UK for around 3 weeks now.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Joshua and I always wonder what our lives would be like with a little Andrew or little me in our home.  I feel incredibly sad that he/she isn't already with us, particularly when I hear or read about how rewarding being a parent is for other people.

I feel crushed every time I see a pregnant belly, in fact I saw five of them today in less than two hours and I felt such a deep sadness that one of those bellies wasn't mine.  I can't come to terms with being childless, I don't know if that is my destiny or whether parenthood is just around the bend for me.  We aren't TTC, but we're not trying to prevent it from happening either.  I am too scared of building up my hopes every cycle just to have them come crashing down again.  If I fall pregnant, I just want it to happen in its own time rather than do my head in with the wondering and worrying.

Anyhow, I think it's time to put this blog away and try to concentrate on building a new life.  Thank you for following my journey, I hope that I can start a new blog with happy news one day soon.

Belinda xo

One year

My life has been turned upside down ever since we lost our son Joshua on this day one year ago.

Joshua's death was just the beginning of a whole series of events that have changed our circumstances and now I hope that once we settle into a new life in the UK we will be blessed with another baby.

Not a day passes that I don't think of you, my tiny boy.  Andrew & I will love you forever xoxoxo

Taking a break

There's not much to post about on this blog for now, as I am preparing to move to the UK and I won't have time to worry about trying to conceive or any of those issues until I'm present and settled in the UK.

I do have another blog that you can track me on as I embark on a new adventure around the other side of the world, so please come and visit me here

xo B

Four years

I just realised tonight that it has been four years since hubby and I started TTC.

Four years.

Three D&C's.

One laparoscopy.

Hundreds of ovulation tests.

Dozens of pregnancy tests.

Countless blood tests.

Four miscarriages.

No baby.

I was just reading back on some posts from two years ago. I was a little bitter then about the whole process and how easy it is for some people and how it's all so unfair.

Fast forward two years and I have all but given up. Of course people are going to find it easier than me, of course they are going to have effortless pregnancies. I am beyond bitter. I can't even think of the right word for it.

Sometimes I believe it will happen, but most of the time I don't know what to believe. Getting my hopes up seems dangerous. So too does falling at God's feet and begging for mercy.

Reflections

I've been thinking alot about Joshua these last few days. Probably because it is coming up to one year since the awful night we lost him. I'm having flashbacks to the trauma, the pain, the blood and the grief. It's like it only happened yesterday.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if it will ever happen. It hurts too much to even contemplate life without a child for my husband and I.

All I do know is, this whole journey is one huge lesson in gratitude. I will be the most grateful woman in the world if/when I get to meet my baby.

It has now been 4.5 weeks since the processing began on my visa application. From what I can gather, the processing times vary from 7 to 12 weeks. Apparently it depends on how complicated the individual application is, and how quickly the BHC actually receives the information from various govt departments. The final decision rests with the Entry Clearance Manager, and depending on what country the ECM is in at the time can affect the approval process too.

Nightmare.

Still in Aus

Here I am, still waiting to return to the UK.

I stuffed up my visa application and had to start again. More money & more time wasted.

The new application was posted away two weeks ago and the current processing time is 12 weeks. So at this rate I could be waiting til mid-November to get my visa approved.

I miss Andrew so much, we've been apart for five months now. So much for this being the year of the baby, we haven't even had an opportunity to try.

Hi

Well, things are still dragging out in Oz. I have finally submitted my visa application so I hope it doesn't take too long to be completed. I am a bit worried that there will be some stupid reason for them to refuse me a visa and all of our plans will be out the window.

Emotionally and spiritually, I am feeling stronger. Passing Joshua's due date on April 24 was a big thing for me, it always is for every miscarriage. I've been doing alot of healing with the aide of my new friend Michelle, she owns a healing centre in Richmond and she has been giving me some free healing sessions. We've been getting in touch with my inner child and I have found that she is really hurting, alot of this explains why I have experienced so many problems in my pelvic region and why I haven't been able to sustain a pregnancy. I'm by no means "cured" yet, there's still a long way to go, but it feels good to be working on myself spiritually before I return to the UK.

Busy little bee

I have been absolutely flat out these last few weeks, having garage sales, selling stuff on eBay, catching up with friends etc. And stressing about Andrew ever since he got headbutted by a cow and is suffering significant concussion.

So I haven't really had much time to reflect on the sadness and grief although I still have my moments.

I can't wait to get back to the UK, although that is still weeks away yet. I just want to move on to the next chapter of my life.

Mothers' Day

Another one gone by, another day of sadness and disappointment. I hate this.

The fact that nobody acknowledged my losses or the fact that I AM a mother really hurts.

Ask and it is given

Today I went back to the shop where I had the psychic reading/healing last week, as I wanted to find out about meditation classes. Michelle, the owner of the shop, was kind enough to offer to do some Reiki on me at no cost! How nice is that? So I have a session booked for Thursday 14th of May at 10am, she will do some Reiki then we'll find a good meditation group for me to slot into. There is a workshop coming up at the end of May which sounds really lovely, I feel like I need to be in a group with other women and this one sounds perfect.

My throat is feeling much better, though now I have a bit of a cough. I've been popping some Garlic, vit C and horseradish tablets, they are super strong and have an unfortunate smelly side effect - but I think they are boosting my immune system to fight this infection!

Will update after the weekend once the garage sale is out of the way.

Ouch

I've had a sore throat for three days now, I don't think it's swine flu though! No other symptoms, just a sore throat and a bit of a cough.

Just returned from a road trip to Vic, totallying 2500km in 5 days. I had to take some stuff down to Warrnambool and put it into storage, plus sort all the stuff already in storage to have some of it sent to Sydney. The rest of the stuff (including what I took down) will be sent to the UK.

The due date for Baby J has passed. 24th of April. It was hard, very hard. I have named him Joshua on his due date, it is only fitting that I give him a name on the day he should have been born.

Today also marks one year since I lost the third pregnancy. So many anniversaries, none of them happy ones.

My visa application is done and paid for, I just need to attend an interview in at the British Consulate in Sydney. It's Andrew's birthday in just over a month so I'd like to be back for that, I hope I can make that happen but it all depends on how long the visa processing takes.

So much done, still so much left to do. I am having a garage sale this Saturday, then another one the following Saturday. It would all have been done in one day but for some incompetent removalists who "forgot" about the 3rd container of furniture I needed. So they are bringing that up from Vic at no cost. Dipsticks!

I had a healing/psychic reading session a few days ago, it was really emotional for me, I felt like I had purged all this anger and pain that had been clouding me for so long. I will post details about that another day. But it was a good experience, affirmed alot of things for me, and I walked out with a renewed hope and this sense that a big weight has been lifted.

Remembering

Today is the 2nd anniversary of when my second pregnancy was due. I am filled with sadness, because in two days' time I have to face another date of significance - when Baby J would have been due.

Last night I felt so lonely and sad, missing my hubby so much, so I cried until I was exhausted and finally fell asleep. I feel so drained today.

Down

My cousin has just announced she is pregnant with her 2nd. She says she didn't want another baby but I doubt she was actually doing anything to prevent it.

If only I could have babies so easy and effortlessly.

I'm missing my hubby more than words can say, I can't even have a hug when I'm feeling down.

Finally

We got our money. Not all of it, nowhere near what he owes us, but it's a start. Now I can get the ball rolling on a few things to get me one step closer to moving to the UK.

Hardball

I don't think I have a choice but to commence legal action against my ass-hat FIL, he has pushed us too far and thinks he can get away with not paying us.

He's in for a massive rude shock in a few weeks' time, he couldn't even begin to guess the wildcard we've got up our sleeve, it's going to bring his business to its knees just like he has done to ours.

Sadness

Missing my husband so much at the moment, we've never been separated for this long before, let alone being so far away from each other.

I'm trying to keep myself busy organising things for our move but it's a constant reminder that he's not here and because I can't get in touch with him until he gets the phone connected I am sick with worry :(

The other thing that has been weighing heavily on me these last few days is that Baby J's due date is just a couple of weeks away. I used to be part of a pregnancy forum but obviously I can't participate anymore and I just know that the other mums due this month are all having their babies or preparing to have them.

This empty feeling in my heart and my arms is awful, I hate the sight of any pregnant woman I pass by and I hate hearing about other people's babies and how wonderful or clever they are. It is at the point now where I'm deliberately isolating myself from any family gathering or social situation where I might be confronted by bulging bellies or young children.

On top of all this stress, my FIL owes my husband and I over $50,000 for services rendered to his business and he is refusing to pay, in the meanwhile we are accumulating debt and interest on top of that debt. He doesn't give a flying rat's arse about us and is very happy to sit back and watch us go bankrupt. How fucked up is that??

Busy

I'm back in Australia now and I've been quite busy getting things organised so I can go back to the UK in a month's time.

Getting our household items sent to Sydney from Victoria is turning out to be expensive so I am trying to find a cheaper alternative. I only want to sell alot of stuff then send the rest over to the UK, so at the moment I'm considering having a moving house sale in a community hall or a scout hall down in Vic, then stick everything else in a shipping container and send it overseas.

If only my husband would answer my emails, but he isn't and I'm getting worried sick coz I don't know what's going on. If you read this Mr J, please enlighten me!

In other news, AF has been and gone, it was probably the least painful period I've had in a few years. I think it was due to a combination of acupuncture, acupressure, Chinese herbs and dietary changes. Now I'm just utterly miserable at the sight of a pregnant belly. I would be just three weeks away from having a baby by now. It's all completely fucked.

It's all over

I'm on cycle day 2 and I feel totally shattered and let down by my body. I have been through so much in these last few years, it would have been the best thing to look back on this year and say "well at least I was able to achieve motherhood in 2009". No chance now.

Not sure if I'll have an opportunity to update this blog for a month or so, I won't have net access that often and hopefully I'll be too busy to ponder on things too much.

Thanks for reading and posting your support, see you again in about a month.

xo B

Spotting

I'm pretty sure it's all over for this cycle, I started spotting yesterday :(

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

So far so good

I have been able to resist testing. Only because the test isn't in my bag as I had believed, it is in another bag that I left at a friend's place.

No signs of AF yet, I've had a few little pains here and there but I'm trying my best to ignore them and hope that it's just a placenta implanting nicely.