Doing alot of thinking tonight

and have realised that my life feels so empty and I am missing out on so much.

Infertility isn't just a word, it is an ugly reality. While so many friends are falling pregnant and going through all the motions and excitement of pregnancy, I am in this stagnant place. I am wondering, will I ever be able to experience all the amazing things that they are going through? Will my turn come when I have lots of appointments and milestones to celebrate too?

I cried today for my angels. If I had never miscarried, I would have a 7 month old baby by now. I am convinced that it would have been a girl. And I realised how cold and quiet the house is with only me and my husband in it. This house should be filled with the noises of a family. Mummy, Daddy and Baby.

But it's not.

The pain and the emptiness is horrible. I want it to end. I want to be happy and comfortable in the knowledge that I am going to be a mother. And it's terrifying to think that that may never happen.

Nothing exciting happening really, just that my appointment to see my neurologist has been moved from November 1st to November 8th. I asked if my TIA would cause any concern with having the Lap on the 23rd but my neuro assured me that it wouldn't so I am feeling more confident about it now.

Due to a bit of a health scare a few weeks ago my Lap/HSG op has been moved back a few weeks and it's now booked in for 23rd November.

I think it's just my current frame of mind, but I'm having mixed feelings about the op. Part of me wants it done so I can get on with trying to have a baby, another part of me just doesn't want to face it all and just accept being childless.

I'm sure I didn't sign up for this stress and drama. I don't want it, I never wanted it.